i know i should be blogging about part 3 and also about my work. however i decided to blog about this first before it slipped out of my mind. so read if you are bo-liao. if not. shoo away from here. wait till i feel like blogging bout the days of my life.

see see. this is really urgent. i must puke all these thoughts. all these randomness. been rather this way these days. so pardon me if you can't accept it. leave me if you must. avoid me if you must. cos you know what. elaine is changing.

been rather frustrated for quite a while. things that i can't say. and i am so blessed that my best friend has always been there for me. to knock some sense into me. althought she knows it wun work. she never gave up on me. and that is why. i love her. heh. i know. claudia must be flying high in the sky now. haha..

i see myself changing. moving away perhaps. taking a break ppl might say. remembered what a father once told me. he told me to leave when i feel frustrated. perhaps this is the time. and this is what i had been waiting for. the moment. after thinking through for so many days and nights for certain unresolved issues i feel. i feel a sense of relief today. maybe i have thought it through after all.

here is how it all started to become clearer. after work at 530pm today i went to work my other job. and i was late la. good thing i was partnering him today. and he said to relac but as usual. i dun lah. haha. so when i got there i was like 20 mins late. but he said it's ok. still has lotsa time. and yes. ppl are always right. we had lotsa time. but today he made me do announcements. bah! but well i mean it was ok. perhaps cos i felt bad for being late. so that besides the point of this post. haha. it was what he said today that triggered this post.

so we talked before the students came in. he said..."you know i want to be a sugarcane king one day. i am going to sell sugarcane juice and chin chow drinks when i graduate." mind you he is studying business at SIM and gg to grad same time as me. and he said that. and i laughed.

how easy it is for me to laugh because to me i would have never thought of that. and in this real world i seem to have lost my dream. after he said that. he said. it has always been his dream since secondary school days. he said everyone will drink sugar cane. i chose to laugh again. cos to me. it seems so not real someone will actually dream of that. he might seriously be crapping and joking to make me less gloomy. but it did strike me to think for the rest of the 3 hrs.

when exams started. i went to the back took a seat and started thinking. deep thoughts. i started asking myself. so elaine what was your dream. and i spoke to myself. i heard the answer within. it was to have a happy family being a happy wife and a happy mother with lovely children. since young that was my dream. and i would love to say it is still my dream.

however the reality sunk in. especially being in this world where there are temptations everywhere. will my dream ever come true? been so hurt before that i guess it sort of stays with me. i have so much to show and to tell. yet i chose to hide away. maybe it's the old sore. that has been rubbed on with salt. ouch. i am indeed in pain. now whenever i think of my dream. i really wish i will know when it will come true. cos as i grow older. the dream seems further and further.

ouch ouch ouch. damn pain. cos i dun see my dream coming true. =(

i told you this was random. bleah.