perpetually depressed at night.

in the silence of each night. slowly slipping to the next morning. i closed my eyes. trying my very best to sleep.

starting to doubt my self worth. starting to keep more quiet. just in case i sprout nonsense and appear to be random. starting to question myself. maybe all along this is the real me.

unknowingly i have started pressuring myself. unknowingly i started doing readings anytime whenever and wherever i am. unknowingly my smiles have reduced. unknowingly i am actually depressed. and unknowingly i am falling deeper.

when the lights are out. the music fades away. the hustle and the bustle. all behind our backs. will there still be room for me? where will i stand in this world? as a simple girl or someone who is constantly chasing after the worldly things? will i be accepted in the world of elites then if i fail to be one?

"... for your reward is in heaven.." this phrase - i have been hearing from many of my dearies. for my reward will be in heaven. and i guess that is my pillar of strength these few days. when i feel that i am just being used, i shall not feel upset for my rewards are in heaven.

Lord, i see no comfort in anything else these days except for your words and your love for me. Each time i close my eyes, the hurt comes, my incompetency swallows me away. what else can i do Father? why is it when i think that i have done my best and yet it may not appear to be the best? Many times i wish i can explain why things are happening but yet i can't. Bless me with the courage to continue to learn to accept myself for who i am. I ask of you to hold me closer this period of darkness in my heart. this period of doubt. this period of unworthiness. Let me understand that through you there is nothing i shall fear. school work is starting to pile up. Teach me to work smart and also to constantly seek for you in whatever i do in school. Let me speak your word when i am questioned about my faith. For you loved me so much and is still loving me, let me love you the same way you have done for me.
Amen.