something i need to let out before i break down.

best friend? do you have one? or had one?

it's been two tough nights for me. for two nights i cried. one during praise and worship and ended with one more before i slept for the first night. and one was tonight at god's house after my jog. i surrender all. i leave my burden and baggages to him.

i have no more idea what to do already. we had a conversation. i said what i had been feeling and i am sorry. i felt useless during this whole period. you have found someone whom i trusted that could have taken good care of you. to give you the emotional and happiness comfort you will need. but i am wrong to think that way. for this i am sorry. i just felt so abandoned at that point in time. not having anyone to talk to really sucked and it numbed me as nights go by. i am sorry the conversation we had broke you down. but i thought we been through that. u say u want to know all my problems and share my life. but to me it appeared to be additional burden which i do not want you to put upon your shoulders. i never knew i would be wrong to think this way. all i can say after that night is i am sorry. i just have no more idea how to move on from here. everything i say everything i do just seem wrong. i start to believe i am just a non existent. maybe all we need is just a breather. i really am losing it. it's tiring to try and see nothing in return. for this reason can i just just say i am sorry? i just want that level of comfort i need from someone. but it just doesn't come anymore. so is it wrong to say i am ok? that i have no probs when you guys ask me. i just have no more answers to all these questions.

i have been pulling myself along for almost 2 months. it's a tough road and i am managing. until that conversation. it broke me down too. to think that this is creating a crack just leaves me wanting to run away. i am sorry i am useless for i don't know how i can help you along this journey. i tried my best and my best always turn out to be wrong.

when i needed someone there to talk to after i did something so stupid, i turn and i see only myself. i just don't wish to tell my close friends anymore. cos i am not listening to them and am doing things that are apparently very dumb. i don't wish for them to waste time on me. don't anyone get what i am trying to do? and in turn i am wrong once again. why am i always in the wrong. whatever i do is never right. breaking down in tears is just so common these days. in public in church on train. i just do it. but all i can do is bite thru my teeth and bear thru all these. i choose to believe it's all in my head. and god will always be there to pull me up. i know during these rough time he is the one carryine me along. for i see only one set of footprints now. and that is his.

for now. i will just move on with my days. just knowing at the back of my head, you're always in my head and my prayer. for you are someone who is unique and the one and only one in my life.

it saddens me to see the drift. yet this is happening. and i have no more idea what i should do.

i offer this up to his hands. as i end my day. let me say a slient prayer.