I am facing a situation that I never saw myself coming into. or should I say, I saw myself coming into too often and just choose to ignore the problem. It has hit its saturation and I think this time, this is it.
I know what my heart wants - is to leave the community that I started out with.No more responsibilities.
But the fear of leaving shakes me. The lost of faith? The lost of accountability? What have I lost throughout this time. I don't see myself journeying any further with this community whom I once felt so much so. The passion and the fervour to serve. Is it my passion or is it the community?
Just like an extinguished fire, all that is left are the ashes. I want so much to turn away and leave. And then I realise how many times I have been at this stage throughout the journey with them - To turn and go. I stuck around for enough I reckon. This time somehow feels different, the feeling's stronger. I somehow feel that this is what I must do to find other new ways to grow spiritually. Yet the other options out there, I can't decide and I can't hear God's voice. With that I think I ought to choose to leave first and then act later. Take a break. Journey with my cousin instead back at parish could possibly be where I might choose in the end. Meanwhile I continue to fight the battle within myself and for myself. Cos I don't think anyone out there feels the same with me anymore. The sense of belonging to a community is slowly seeping away.Am I not suppose to seek solace from the community that I have been journeying with? But sadly through the last 3 years, I don't get any. The giving has tire me out and I am done. Overcooked and burnt.
O God, I am tired of this struggle within to serve and finding where to go. May your grace lead me to wherever I could potentially be used as your instrument. Maybe not now, but one day.
No comments:
Post a Comment