spittoon

I have not been able to fall asleep the past few nights.
I tossed and turned in my bed for more than 3 hours before deciding to pop in a flu med to knock myself out. I hate nights like that.

Some asked what's wrong or what's bothering me. But honestly I don't know. I just cannot seem to rest my mind. Running thoughts, fast beating heart. It's like I am racing and chasing after something. I tried analysing myself and my thoughts. I seem fine I told myself, but exactly how well am I?

I find it hard to talk sometimes. Like feelings that I cannot seem to share. I tried wanting to talk to friends but it never left my mouth. What is it that I am trying to express? Who am I trying to look for as a confidant? Am I seeking the wrong way? Am i focusing on the wrong things? Sometimes I feel I live a secret life in me. The desire to break free these days are getting so much stronger. Leave Singapore and start afresh anew somewhere. A place where there are no more worries for tomorrow. Just make enough to be happy and go travel and see the world.

I tried my best to move on. I tried my best to give up. It is still not working. Why do I still hope? Why do i still want to dream? He isn't that nice anymore. Making me feel like a loser or useless sometimes even... I just wish you knew that I too, have pride and ego too. =(

dear God,

have you heard me? Have you heard my prayer, Father?
Bring me out of these circles I am putting myself in.
It is suffocating me.

love, your child.