a haunting dream

I woke up feeling my world was about to end. Even now, my ears feel like there are echo-y sounds and my head's heavy and groggy. It is the same dream once again. For the past 7 years, this dream has never gone away. It haunts me every now and then. I began to reflect upon it this morning and I think I have my answer.

The answer to my many insecurities in life, the answer to my fear of losing anyone close to me, the fear that all man (woman included) change so fast, I could not seem to understand. It all boils down to that very fateful day where my world once collapsed. I call it - my biggest defeat in life for the past 26 years of my life. Yes. It is indeed my biggest defeat. I at times still feel pain when I look back. I have been defeated and deflated by that episode and it is still haunting me today. It has affected what I had and eventually I lost all over again. The pride and the ego has been so bruised from that episode that I think the pride and ego will never come back.

I carry a facade everyday that I am independent and strong. That Elaine who has a bustling life with so much activities. But how many really know, these activities hide my bruised pride and ego. How sometimes the feeling of defeat and loneliness hits and lingers on for days, weeks to months. The only consolation I see for myself is that - I am quite good at putting up a strong front and be the dependable, strong, happy, cheerful and "whatever you might think I am" girl. The world gives no chance for me to be that despondent, lack of confidence, whinny, depressed girl.

The world just keeps moving with or without me.

And I have chosen to move, slowly and painfully with the world that never really seems to care.

Can I have a moment to be cared for too?