So Who Am I

I decided to not move afterall cos I am so lazy to start all over again
so it is back to this comfort zone of mine again where i guess perhaps the only place where i dare to be myself. Put away that facade of fun and laughter, where the smile learns to take a break.

I am soooo tired. In all sense that you can imagine.

God, who am I? I don't seem to find myself anymore.
What am I searching for? Who am I becoming?

A dear friend of mine asked just recently:
"So what is your purpose in life and what is your vocation in life?"
And there it started me on this roller coaster ride with my feelings, my thoughts, my rationalism, my all and all

Conclusion: I no longer know what is my purpose and what is my vocation.

In different stages of our lives, we have different vocations. Vocation as a student, an employee, a friend, a sister, a cousin, a leader, a daughter and the list goes on. Right now, I don't seem to be able to know who I am anymore. All at the same time and yet none that i could hold true to being.

Then he goes on to say: "So where do you derive the happiness that you have? Or more so, the joy in your heart?" Oh great. Another big question that i no longer know how to answer.

Where has that joy and happiness gone to? I don't know. I am blessed. I know. I have my loving parents, my brother, cousins, best babes and soooo many friends. But not to say i don't feel happy, i just don't seem to have learnt to derive joy. Note: Joy and Happiness are different. Happiness is temporal while Joy is lasting..
The feeling of standing next to a friend and yet not knowing who he or she is and their lives. I don't make the effort anymore these days. It is draining. Period. I have chosen to be selective. Even those few selective sometimes i don't feel the same anymore. No more appreciation, no more reciprocation. Perhaps it's my fault. Because most of the time i don't share unless you probe. and even if you probe i would still choose to listen than to speak, all just because i simply think it won't make a difference if i speak. Why is that search for happiness and joy so difficult? The road seems to be bumpy and never smooth sailing (but this i have anticipated). Who have i left behind on this bumpy road? Who have i become in the process of this journey?

So who have I become?
I want to make that difference in someone's life
I want to break out from this mundane and rountine process of life
Can i just leave and say goodbye world?
:(