random whining

Am at the crossroads once again

hello, familiar feeling
this strange feeling that seeps into me quite often now and then
recently i have been throwing myself these questions of existence
the value of me in this world and putting a tag onto myself
fishing for compliments, some often say
seeking attention, some say as well
like a beaten dog, some say and this actually stings.
who am i seeking approval from, i don't know

very random thoughts in my head that i never seem to be able to find anyone to share and in turn i swallow them back in again. with that, some say i am quiet. so am i really?
I think between me and him, we have lost that want to communicate or more to say i have become less and less interested in your very complicated life and it appears the same for you. I guess the decision made months ago was good for him and for me. Painful but i knew this will come one day. Soon, i will note down so that i will never forget him. his face seems to be slowly fading away and his voice as well. more imptly the 2 weeks now seem to be slowly leaving my memories or maybe I am starting to shelf them away, into this irreplaceable part of my heart. he is surely more impt than K.

the habit has started to change. no more late nights. no more needing of bedtime stories. and i guess when my heart still aches, it's those memories that he has left me with. no longer the same love we used to share. but more rememberance. I think it is still much easier for me now. Finding a new purpose in my being and finding a new goal (which i am still searching) does make a difference. No more pinning, no more hopes for anything.

But because of this indifferent i see myself becoming someone i could never see myself being. not a yucky new me. but a new me which i am surprised to be. my value of relationships have started to change. love doesn't seem to have a lasting effect anymore. it has become a want and a form to satisfy and be loved. I have kept my heart guarded yet at the same time is enticed by the exciting things that come along the way. there is this new thing that keeps me excited and looking forward to the each time my buzzer comes on. how refreshing. the need of excitement in my life.

btw i wonder how many really still read this page of mine. cos somehow i think it is good for me to pen my thoughts and random sayings which i can't seem to share freely in groups. am i just wierd or wierd?