demon for christmas

christmas is coming..
and i can't feel the joy, peace hope and love.
Lord, grant these gifts upon your unworthy servant, i plead.

have been sleeping early compared to my past year and yet i feel sleepy more than i used to.
maybe my brain's choosing to shut down and not think anymore. A very clever natural reaction from my body when i feel trapped and lost. thus it tells me to just sleep.
sleep on the bus, the train, facing the computer. it just screams out to me to sleep.
my sleep don't feel rested. my soul seems disturbed and restless.
i find myself rejecting food!!?? oh God, something must be really going wrong.
losing appetitie, dehydrated, shivers down my spine through the day

at work, it seems i am always on this other side away from the rest of the team.
when my partner in crime - technically my neighbour's on leave quite almost every monday - my monday seems to be super duper blue. when you see everyone laughing and talking on the other side of the "island" and i seem stranded being all alone without my partner in crime. It gets harder when i can't seem to find anyone to talk. the day will seem super super long. gawd. take me out from this agony soon.

in the community, it seems to everyone that i know many people. but seriously, i feel very alone mnay a times over there. who truly knows me? who truly cares? who do i know amidst the many smiling faces. who is the me behind this face of smile towards them. why does it seem that i seem to know everybody yet at the same time don't know anybody. who is it that i am looking for? what is it that i am searching for? maybe only God will know. what i lack now is perhaps that patience.

Lord, i beg for your mercy now, to grant me patience and peace. To learn to accept things that i cannot change.