a memory that never existed

ouch. it hurts really bad.
i swear to God it hurts as much as 5 years ago
yes. you are permanently out of my life.
thanks for reminding how naive and stupid our past was.
ouch.

- 5:00am 15 September 2009


I had to blog the above down to remind me of the pain i felt earlier this morning.
Surprisingly, it felt like 5 years ago. So much so that i cried and cried my heart out.
I tried going back to sleep but it seems so difficult because images keep popping into my head.
Questions that i have been asking for years still linger on.
Perhaps it was me afterall that was not good enough.Maybe we were just too young.
So much so to make him even think that it was a waste of time and nothing could even be remembered.
Or should I say, worthy of remembering. Stupid is probably the only word i could use to describe now.
Perhaps he never know how much words can hurt. Each word used seem to enlarge itself onto me.
Like a teacher scolding her students and the student not given a chance to stand up for herself.
I don't need him to remember me but at least be kind to the relationship we even had.
Now i only could wish we never ever had that relationship before.
I wished i never met him ever before.
I wished those 4 years we had could be simply removed from my life and never be mentioned.
I think he wishes the same too.

- 9:30am 15 September 2009

"So God i pray, that You allow me the grace to forgive and reconcile.
The grace to look beyond and not hate this person.
I cannnot find any other words now but hatred towards this man
To think he still is able to make me cry
He really is not worth it, in any sense
I know that. But tears just fall on its own..
Please allow time to heal the scar that never seem to have closed.
O God, help me as i move along the rest of my life,
Learning how to love and to be loved all over again.
I thank you Lord for sending me him to love me
And for me to love him.
Things might not be easy and the road seems tough
but I know to trust in You
And believe in the plans that you have laid down before me
Guide my decisions to be pleasing to You.
Amen. "

This time i am not afraid anymore. Because nothing else could hurt me as much as 5 years ago. Perhaps the one thing i have learnt or gained is to be a stronger girl, an independent girl.

Goodbye my past. Goodbye.