haha..
man. i am like stuck to how to pack my bag for hongkong. guess i will NOT pack till monday night. a day before mua trip. heh. actually.. i am not exactly very very excited as of now to travel. perhaps one of the reasons would be the people whom i am to travel with are new friends whom i just made from school. the anticipation and the unexpectedness of everyone is kinda scary at times. ha. but i know i shouldn't go think too much into it and just go. shoo. BUT. a bigger stone holding me back from going to HK with a peace of mind would be my grandpa.
sometimes i wonder if i ever have a choice. i do not wish to live till that long. looking at grandpa. it hurts me so. thou we are not close but looking at him shake due to high fever for almost a week. god knows why they are not sending him to hospital. and there is nothing i can do to make him feel better. it hurts me to see him suffering in pain and just closing his eyes eating and taking medication through a tube from his nose. *tear: knowing grandpa in a state like this. it seriously dampened my mood for anything. what if anything happens when i am away. i guess if it's god's will to take him let his will be done. lord i ask you not to make grandpa suffer anymore. be there for him and give him strength. our lifes are in your hands. please watch over grandpa.
talking about that. yea. my own crapped up health. i am like so screwed. medication not really working these days. doc upped my med. i have to stick to medi closely. i hate myself sometimes. why is it me to have such a thing in me. i am so tired of thinking of my medication. it's a long lasting thing and i know i have to be stuck to this my whole life. i can never be cured. i don't ask to be cured. i just hope it does not worsen. apparently i failed. i dissapointed my parents and i feel extremly bad. can someone take this thing in me away. my lord. this cross is getting too heavy for me. i guess i am not in any position to love or to be loved anymore untill i learn to love myself. don't you think so lord. i guess this is what u have been trying to tell me. to take care of myself. i am trying. i really am. i pray for your guidance and discipline on me to do as the docs say and not be afraid for more obstacles that might come along the way. for i know lord u will be there for me to ne next to me as i pick up that cross u laid upon me.
sigh. why am i so emo tonight. i guess it's just one of those nights u need to cry and have a shoulder to lie on. yet i see myself and my pillows.
alright. perhaps a chance of mood by tmr i hope. cos i am actually very lost now on what to do on monday. the day before i fly to hk. sigh. pack? change money? get insurance? go for job interview? damn it. i am SO busy. yet i can't decide which to be first. i guess i shall stop ranting for now and perhaps drop another post on tues morning before i fly off at 3pm. for now. i am just going to leave with this phrase or words from mother teresa.
"It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing. It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving." - Mother Teresa.
let us learn in the footsteps of Mother Teresa.
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