ok. i wanted to feel better compared to yesterday after that down posting. i guess i am not. this time round i know my decision. i guess nothing matters more than to have grandpa out of danger now.

my lord. if it has to be. let your will be done. seeing him catching every breathe that i take for granted. my heart wrench. i have so much going through my head now. yet i don't know what to write here. ah gong. can you hear me. seeing you on that bed gasping for air. i wonder if this is god's way of calling you home. as we grow old. we have to go back home to god. i just wish god brings the suffer away from you soon. you're a strong man grandpa. time and time again you pulled through. what about this time? be not afraid. come follow him. and he will bring you peace. if this is a way or sign let me be in Singapore for you. in exchange stay strong. keep him here lord. whatever your will. let it be done.

sometimes i wonder. and in some way. it shows me the signs of lord. just like today. before i rushed to hospital. i was near home whereas i was suppose to be further from home. i just did not feel like being far from home today. even changed my money nearby. it seems to be telling me be ready. i guess this is god's way of teling me things.

my heart is beating so fast tonight. i guess if any phone call tonight. my whole family will jump up awake. i know my decision. it is not to go hongkong. i do not want to go hongkong anymore. and stop telling me i still have chance to go hongkong. cos i know that. it's the money. but then again. money can be earned back. all i want now is for grandpa to be out of all danger. let him be strong.

as i stare into my lappy tonight. my mind is spinning. back to the time grandma was still in danger in hospital. and a phone call came and she left for god's home. it's scary. i don't want to be alone this time round. i need my pillar of support. cos i need to be the support to dad. to mum. i need to be strong. the more they ask me to decide on the trip. i know deep down dad needs me here at this point in time. where is the shoulder that i can lie upon now. someone to turn to and talk to. someone to hold my hands and comfort me as i comfort my family. where are you?

am i whiny tonight? i think i am kinda. shall stop now. with a prayer in my heart i ask you lord to bring his sufferings away. Amen.