i learnt to live alone for no one is indispensible in this world.

a dusty blog is all that is left.

times and times i came and left. no idea what to write about. feeling low. feeling lost. there is no one i want to talk to anymore. there is nothing i want to talk about anymore. life still goes on. doesn't it my friends. no one is indispensible in this world. this is going to be drilled in my head.

after christmas. after new year. we welcome 2006. i welcomed 2006 with much pain and heartaches. entering a new year in tears in my bed. feeling all tired and worn out emotionally. with no one by my side. i learnt to live alone. no more options given. choosing to give up is what i am left with. with that little pride i have left in me. pls do not take away from me. i am so tired of making effort. people come and go. proximity relationships. in this life. how many proximity relationships do i have? 1?2? or so many.. i chose to stay away. esp from close friends. as we have our own issues and problems. i chose to stay away. just saying i am fine.

as we grow older each day. things make me wonder and doubt. realising the number of things i have left undone in this world. i tried my best to buck up. bucking up alone is so tiring but it's good. esp to have god by my side these days. new resolutions. for this brand new year. there's a danger in losing yrself in this world of needs and wants. i have the danger too. to fall in too deep and not able to pick myself up. i have the danger of leaving this world much sooner than anyone. each time i see the doc at the ''you know where'' for my ''you know medication'' i fear. i fear for the things he/she has to say to me. each time i leave that place. i wish someone will be there for me. to comfort me and tell me everything will be fine. but this time. i felt different. i wanted to live my life better. to do things i never done before.

i am slowly moving on. times i do feel the pain. times i feel the rush to do dumb things. just to know someone still cares for me. when times like these comes. i choose to run. run to god's house. and find my peace within him. the only one who doesn't give up on me.

can i ever turn back time? but what's the point in turning back time. if my life chooses to repeat itself. i still want it to be the way it was. just that. i ask for my emotions to be taken away. can that be done so?

i chose to love you still. yet i know we can never be together again. seeing you online and ignoring me makes my heart flip and turn. emotions gush in. it's difficult to know that you still love me yet you don't wish to be with me. people say you are childish. but i think you are just not sure of what you want. people say give up. i finally said i will. i see no light anymore. you just covered the end for us. will you ever know this? i guess you'll never. regardless how imperfect you are. i chose to believe things will work out. i left things to god. and i am still. but. i am not holding any more hopes. even as your friend. i think it's getting difficult. this time i will make it through alone.

so much ambitions. so many hopes. will i have enough time? no one needs to know. for i learnt to live alone.