if only i am measured on a stress tension scale at the moment. probably the needle will not stop spinning. perhaps the scale will spoil. this is how stress i apparently am at the moment.

Have you ever felt the urge to wanna do well for a lot of things. and yet when you turn around and look. you just cannot seem to move on. many constraints and tensions coming from within. the look in that mirror just tells me it is not possible. i am afraid of sending out my resumes for the fear of rejection. i am stagnant. cos i am afraid of the road ahead. but will you ever understand all these if i told you. i guess not. cos no one ever understands elaine.

only less than 3 months and how fast i shall leave a place of comfort and security. to a world where i have no idea what it will be. no matter how happy i might seem to be to many about leaving. but in fact, i am scared. fear of non performance resulting to no job equals to disappointment. Isn't this what it is all about? the fear of disappointment and not being the norm. but i want to be more than norm. and yet i know i can never be more than norm. oh wait i am not even normal to start off with. geez.

this is how stress i am feeling. the tension of realising probably i had been in the wrong major after all. realise how no matter hard i try, i will never succeed. i can never understand my decisions. how i screw myself up.

i look around me and i guess no one really ever understood my life. no one really ever knew. how scared i can be at times when it comes to making decisions. this is because in my life, i always make the wrong decisions. how much tears i have wasted to learn and grow. i never grew to understand.

why are some decisions made and can never be returned. i guess i know why, cos they are placed to make me understand and grow in pain. and never do it again.

like how we say. i promise never to do it again.

i am not being emo. but being practical tonight. tonight practicality took over my optismism for that few seconds. and i promise it will only be for tonight.

*promise*