ok.

had a wonderful week. wedding. slack in office. not bad a week. and indeed i was happy.

i was watching this hongkong drama serial. it showed this guy writing his diary online. aka blog to most of us. and it was theuraptic. (dun mind my spelling cos i dun care. bah!). indeed it is. cos here is where i pour my feelings and emotions. regardless i know who might just be reading them. i just write and write. cos sometimes i just dun wish to talk about how i feel anymore. cos i am tired and repeating the sobz grandma story which i feel sometimes is a burden for people to find out and to care. so what if you knew. so what if you realise the real me. will anything change? sorry but life has shown me the ugly side. everyone is selfish by nature.

i was and i emphasize the word is "WAS" seriously feeling all HYPed up for FOC which is today for the facils. and i am bloody late. cos i totally do not feel like going. not because of anything. but all because i realise something is wrong once again.

until last night. it came upon me again. the D monster i thought. but it was not. it was something i should have expected. i misread everything. it meant something more serious and important. i never knew how much it hurt. until i saw her eyes teary. i never knew my lifestyle was wrong. until it was proven. i never knew so much. until i heard it from her. God, how much i must have hurt them both. God, i am so wrong in thinking what i had been doing is right.

i am so sorry that i have caused you both so much worries for me. so much pain that i have brought upon you two. regardles how normal i wish i was. i know i will never be. and things might even change as i rant my emotions now. how i worry at times that i do not see my duties done. will i live to regret? this road seems to become bumpier as i grow older. will i reach a road where road seems so much smoother. and at least someone by my side to hold on to me as i tripped upon a stone. someone to pull me up as i fall in pain. sigh. i wish i am just a bit more normal.

oh great. just got a call that why am i not there yet. guess duties still call. no matter how much i wish to stop. i really can't stop. no matter how i wish i can take a good rest and change my lifestyle. time doesn't allow me. but i promise. i really promise i will try. give me another chance.