it has been a while since i last blogged.

and i would not say that i have been well. physically mentally or even spiritually. i must admit. i am really defeated this time.

my last update was before i went into camp. one full week. i went in with a heavy heart. many questions, many doubts. although amidst the camp i felt troubled and burdened. i still had fun nonetheless. with my OG - TONGA! you guys rock! we rock! the most enthu OG. totally a-w-e-some! thank you andre, priscilla, veralene and sheryl for being my most hapz freshies! thanks ashley jem cherylnn and ferly for being my lovely and helpful seniors/facils/befrienders. without all Tonga will not have been possible.

this year FOC had so much different meaning to me. i thought i could use it as a chance for me to rekindle my faith and belief. yet on recon night, things fell apart. i totally didn't feel anything. strange enough. i was numb. numbed till i felt scary. i felt scary of my own thoughts and behaviour. even till now. being down with high fever close to 40 degree for 4 days. perhaps my brain ain't working anymore. who knows. i still feel rather spiritually low. i still believe. i really still do. but perhaps it's on a downwards slope? it's like how everyone felt amazed by the two rainbows God showed us this FOC again. i was awed by the sight. but it only took me 5 secs to snap out of it. and i felt nothing. the amazing feeling i had last year was gone. and i totally miss the feeling. the awe for Him that never seem to end. why am i feeling this way i have no idea.

i just seem to snap out of the whole spiritual thing so quickly these days that i am starting to feel afraid. very afraid actually. that one day i will just be like anyone of my ex business fac head. turn my head away and i am back to the way i use to be. they say i need to pray. but i look at Him and i don't know what to say anymore. regardless how much ppl want to help me, i still think it will not work. cos i know at the end of day it's myself who i can help. but for now i have no more idea how to help myself. this four days of high fever made me really really tired. i never used to have fever. seeing myself down with fever, close to 40 degrees. i know this time that i am really defeated. i am gone. i am no longer the elaine i used to be. perhaps all this things that are happening to me are telling me or are signs to me that elaine, you must stop being who u used to be and change. i must change. and i guess the first steps have already started. cutting away from activities. it does help make life much less hectic. thou these actions might result in me looking like a anti-soci and not a normal person anymore. i guess i should believe that this is what God wants me to do. move ahead with life. and don't linger anymore around the past. cos for all you know. while you still hold hopes for any of the past, people and things might have moved so quickly that even you can't even catch up.

what i have written above was written when i am still on a spinning head and high at almost 39 degree. choose to believe that what i wrote is how i really feel. cos i am too tired to pretend anymore.