i choose to hide and run away.

i hate nights like that. when i actually do start using my brain to think and reflect. many questions will start popping out. and my own rationale and reasons always fight my questions that i always have deep down in me. somehow tears seem to be a good emotional relief. it works i guess. especially when you have no apparent reason feeling this way apart from stress and confusion.

i know all the answers that i will get when i talk to people about certain issues and questions. i already know what to expect and i could even say the answers to myself. i hate this side of me. like i told andrew i choose not to think sometimes. cos i just don't want to. but he said brain is like a muscle. if i don't use it. it will stop working someday. perhaps it's time for it to stop working.

i don't need model answers cos this is not a ten year series. i don't need anything but quiet time for myself. and yet when i have quiet time i don't know where to start talking to God. and when i do, i contradict myself. how irritating all this feelings.

"have You made me closer to You to see myself better? have You started working something between our relationship? have You heard my cries and prayers? closing my eyes. listening to a hymn tonight. played over and over again. and i seek comfort in Your arms. please do not let me go. hold me closer to You. be the light that i need. thou at the end of day i might be alone. all i need will be You. never let fear and doubts cloud you away from me."

i am still learning Lord, to face the problem deep down within me that i choose to run away. putting the smile just to cover my pain.