Ah.

i am feeling defeated. dang!

can i just give up. but if i give up i seem such a loser. but the whole feeling and the whole thing seems to be grossing me out. like ewww. i cannot imagine. so many "what ifs" in the head. maybe i am not that into ______ afterall. something is holding me back.

i guess it's true when you just give it all up and let Him handle. i am still learning.

somewhere i am upset within my heart. a feeling that i cannot described when i see him still. his presence do matter to me still. yet i chose to deny it and moved on. i avoided him whenever we meet. i tried my best to lie to myself that the feeling is gone. i still hurt and cry inside when i see him. putting on the most perfect smile when i see him. so much for no more. *hiak*


it's really gross of me to even be like that. ARGH. i hate the feelings i am having for ______ & _______! i cannot. perhaps it's all meant not to be understood. to make things worse. i am questioning myself for so many other things again.

oh come on. maybe then again i am not even in the picture after all. you know the feeling of dashed dreams and hopes. yea. i think i have a phobia. whenever i start to feel a bit of pain for anything or anywhere or anyone for a matter of fact. i will escape and run away. am i SCAR-ed in this sense? will i ever get over this feeling?

i am short of that one more. will i ever have that to complete?

it's just like that blue "bu tao ong" that i been wanting to get. it's the only colour that i am short in completing my set. but each time i walk past that machine. i do not dare to put in that one dollar. fearing that the one that i will get will not be the blue one. so you see. this fear stops me. stops me from trying. the fear of dissapointment and not getting what i want. isn't this just how i feel towards relationship now? i have fear. once i see pain coming. i pull away. this is not good.

argh. i have no idea why am i posting this. cos perhaps i am feeling damn bottled up with certain issues that i am facing that i find it so difficult to share with ppl. i am having issues. and it's against myself.

Elaine. wake up. =(

*if u read any second earlier for this post it will probably be a bit different.
cos i decided to add in this last part before i go to bed.

i guess i will never get an answer for anything. i will never know.and yet all i can do is to find my focus back on God and concentrate for my last few weeks before my final sem. God let me find u back again, and i just want to focus all my attention on you and not any other one. you know me even without me saying anything. you are that Almighty. for that i lay my trust in you Lord. Hear me your child's prayer tonight. Amen.