omg. i slept from 1030pm yesterday night to 9am this morning. i have no idea what came over me but i just wanted to sleep. felt so so so tired yesterday. head spinning by 10pm and i told mum i needed to take a 30 mins sleep before i wake up to do some work. and i never woke up,

what shitty discipline. but i really felt damn giddy and tired. sometimes i really hate myself for feeling sick. i did not go for classes on tuesday. missed a 1.2mark quiz which Mrs Leong has so nicely agreed for me to take next week. all because i had to see a doctor and was freaking long.

oh man. seeing the doc ain't cheap. "but what to do" mum and dad said. well. i would say "then forget it" but i know that will break their heart. so i chose to keep quiet and pretended to be damn happy for the rest of the journey home.

as i sat in the car i thought to myself over what the doc said. it starts to scare me of what my future will be like. 20 years more. what will become of me? will i be down with so much other nonsense that i can't even handle it? and regardless what preventive measures taken i will still end up with so much nonsense and the eventual killer illness no one ever wants will be on me. argh. what the.. then i started asking myself " so what is the point of studying so hard and i might not even survive till ripe old age to reap the fruits?" and more random thoughts came into my head. and i knew it. i had to stop thinking and live everyday like it is my last. =)

i find it difficult to handle the truth sometimes. the truth sometimes would require me to face it and take many steps to change certain ways of my life. and honestly, i am so not ready for all the changes. imagine havng to NOT eat out anymore. NOT touch any food besides mum's food. wth. i feel useless. and perhaps not many can understand this. you must be thinking how difficult can it be. well. it is rather difficult if ppl do not know and you stop hanging out and ya. you are out. is it all bout the pride that i am talking here? is it all in my thoughts? i guess i have to learn to put down my pride and accept things as i am not getting any better these days.

it is a long and difficult trial Lord. i wonder if i have the ability to keep to whatever changes i need to do. please guide me and help me in this process of carrying my cross. the burden is adding on day by day. the amount of school work is piling and i can't find the focus and concentration to do them. Let me understand that my burden is not heavy cos it is you who lifted them up. i am so tired these days Lord. Give me rest and let me not be afraid. Teach me to put my trust fully in you and you only. Amen