Been feeling rather heavy hearted the past week and over the weekend. Going through a passing of an elder, best friend's mum passing. It seems to have hit me quite a bit in terms of reflections and questioning through these days. Seeing a close friend being in the pain of losing someone so dear which i cannot describe for i am still blessed to see my mum at home, i really didn't know what i could do for my dear friend. Not knowing what would be the best words to say, i just silently tried my best to be there if ever she would need me. It's really not easy and i could say i am really proud of my dear friend who have hung on so far to now. I will never find the right words to say always at such situations but i just hope my presence would ease some pain.
It hurts to think even of this day which my dear friend is going through. It hurts so bad it makes me question and reflect upon my own life. Is this how i want to live my life. Where is my purpose and priority in life. And as i look back more and questioned more, i realise my priorities in life could have been wrong. Serving God was my passion and it still is. At least that is what i have been telling myself. But could i be wrong? the times used to serve Him, would it have been more fruitful elsewhere? i know it is totally wrong to think this way now but sadly i feel so now. I looked back and realise who can i really talk to among them all. Who really knows me? perhaps my FBT whom i so loved and count my blessings to have them. It boils down to question my existence. Kinda tired. Kinda wishing someone would understand. This is a phase where i told myself i do not wanna see myself in if i stepped up. and yet. it is creeping in. and i know i need to stop.
This is when i heard the song - Make me a channel of your peace.
A prayer by St Francis Assisi. It goes like this -
Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me bring Your love,
Where there is injury, Your pardon Lord,
And where there's doubt, true faith in You
Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there's despair in life let me bring hope,
Where there is darkness - only light,
And where there's sadness, ever joy
Oh Master, grant that I may never seek,
So much to be consoled as to console,
To be understood, as to understand,
To be loved, as to love with all my soul
Make me a channel of your peace,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
In giving to all men that we recieve,
And in dying that we're born to eternal life
And i guess that is all i have to offer up in my prayer tonight.
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